Not The Ideal Man

I am not the ideal man.  Not even close.  It has taken me years of self-realization and gradual attitude adjustment to come to this awareness and to be able to come right out and say it.  But there it is.  I said it, and I meant it.  Whew!

My imperfection, I have learned (or part of it, anyway), stems from having an introvert-oriented personality.  Being with other people, especially larger groups of people, wears me out.  Exhausts me, in some cases.  I have been known to disappear without explanation from parties held at my own house.  My own house!  Just retire to my own room and go to sleep without a word to our guests.  No good-bye, no good-night.  Now you see me, now you don't.

I used to have a sign over the door jamb of our front door which you would notice on your way out.  It said:  "All people bring joy to this house: Some bring joy when they come; Some bring joy when they leave."  I used to think of that as generically funny.  But these days, no matter how much I like the people who visit me, I am always joyful when they leave.

This type of anti-social behavior tends to make people think I don't like them.  Most of the time, they are wrong.  I do like other people.  Strangers, even.  I even like to be with them, but I prefer them in smaller doses of group size and smaller doses of time.

This introversion thing has also made me less than an ideal Christian.  Frankly, I don't like to go to Church anymore.  I don't want to serve on committees or boards or teach classes.  I sure don't want to go door to door spreading the gospel.  Oh, going to Church would be okay if nobody tried to talk to me afterwards.  But they always do.  I have taken to sneaking in a few minutes late and sneaking out the back door while the last verse of the last hymn is still being sung.  God must be disappointed.

Additionally, as an introvert, my prospects of achieving great success in my several careers was severely limited.  You need to be outspoken and bold, engaging and engaged with people to rise up.  You at least have to answer the phone!  I did some of that, but it was hard.  Now that I understand some of my limitations, I often think I could have been quite successful if I hadn't been introverted.  Well, okay, and also not lazy and depressed and a rebel, but those are topics for another day.

According to author Susan Cain, who wrote the book Quiet, The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking, the American version of The Ideal Man (Person) has shifted.  We used to think of The Ideal Man as a person of strong moral character.  "What counted was not so much the impression one made in public as how one behaved in private."  That has changed, and  now The Ideal Man is bold and entertaining and has a great personality.  An outgoing silver-tongued salesman, even one who stretches the truth (lies) is now valued more, and seen as both more intelligent and more powerful, than the quiet person of character.  Cain refers to this type of man as the "mighty likable fellow."

My late wife, Sue, and I both did not fully understand these personality "defects" that made me less than The Ideal Man.  Apparently, neither did our daughters.  When I started dating again after Sue's passing, I still remember my 20 something year old daughters telling my girlfriend, Cheri (now my wife of eight years), "he seems like a good guy, but just wait until you see what he's really like."  Really?  Their implication about me does ring a little bit true; I can be a "mighty likable fellow" for a while, anyway, but it can't be sustained.  Well, maybe I'm not The Ideal Man, but I'm not an ogre.

Over the years as I came to understand my tendencies toward introversion, I changed the way I worked and interacted with people.  I started a company and empowered my capable and extroverted employees to be the company's interface with the world.  Now they interact with the public and answer the phones and hardly anybody even wants to talk to me.  It's a win-win.  I know the limitations of my energy reserves when socializing or doing business with other people, and I do a better job of charging my batteries and not running completely out of people power.

I haven't finished the Quiet book yet, but I'm pretty sure Cain ends up saying it's okay to be an introvert and that we introverts have some valuable things to offer the world and our fellow beings.   I didn't really need Susan Cain to tell me that I'm okay, but I am reading her book to gain some new insights into my limitations and strengths. 

I have a really good life and I am comfortable with who I am.  I am grateful to God for what I have and what I am, and for mercy for what I am not and where I fall short.  On this last point, I have always kind of thought that, if you do happen to think that you are The Ideal Man, maybe you don't really grasp the concept of the Gospels of the New Testament that we all fall short of the glory of God and require the mercy of forgiveness.  Perhaps none of us are The Ideal Man?  Just a thought.

The Loneliest Road(s) In America

For Thanksgiving 2018 Cheri and I took a little road trip to Denver, Colorado.  My/our youngest daughter, Valerie, and her husband, Matt, moved from Dallas to Denver last year.  They have a nice house and a nice life.  My/our other Harper daughter, Jessica, flew in from Idaho.  She has a nice house and a nice life in Idaho, but more on that below.

Our road trip to Denver took us from the San Joaquin Valley of California to Lake Tahoe, over the I-80 to Reno, across Nevada and Utah to Salt Lake City, and partway to Cheyenne, Wyoming.  Snowstorms closed the I-80 and we had to backtrack and take a different route.  We ended up forging our way on a snowy and icy two-lane road (Wyoming 430) wending through some of the loneliest parts of Southern Wyoming south of Rock Springs.  Cheri's all-wheel drive car was up to the task, but I could imagine sliding off the road, being buried by snow, and not being found until some cattle rancher found us at the spring thaw.  At the border of Wyoming and Colorado, the road became a dirt road (Colorado 10 North) wending through some of the loneliest territory in Northwest Colorado.  We made it back to civilization and on down to Denver.  Along the way we saw some really beautiful country we did not expect to see, and would never have seen but for an unexpected road closure.

Including Cheri's three kids (and their families), our blended family now boasts five "kids" in five different states -- Pennsylvania, Indiana, Colorado, Idaho and California.  We both love all five of our 30-something kids and their families and are glad to have them all in our lives.  The circumstances that brought Cheri and I together and blended our families was something like the road closure on I-80.  The way we planned to go was blocked, and a new way had to be found.  The paths of our lives are not what we intended, but we have experienced unexpected beauty along our new paths.  

Some of our friends have all of their family surrounding them within a short distance.  They needn't plan so carefully or spend so much time or money to get together, so they see each other often.  This is how it was with my parents and siblings for a number of years, and I imagined it would be this way for my family, as well.  Perhaps it would be this way if Sue hadn't died from complications of cancer in 2010.  Perhaps not.  The last book Sue read was by Maya Angelou, and I love the Maya Angelou quote on the page I found marked:  If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude.

 Five kids in five states is an opportunity.  We also love the beauty and diversity of the lands of these great United States, and having five kids in five states gives us more opportunity to see more of what's out there.  Denver and Boulder boast some of the finest scenic mountain environs, and while we were out there visiting we got out and reveled in some of the beauty.

Sue has a cousin, Chris, who lives in Denver not too far from where Valerie and Matt settled.  Both of my daughters, Valerie and Jessica, have enjoyed getting to know their 2nd cousin, Chris.  Chris had a road-closure-life-detour experience himself recently when his wife also passed from cancer.  Chris is a gem of a nice guy and a long-time professional chef.  He, along with his good friend, Madeline, cooked Thanksgiving dinner, and Madeline hosted us at her beautiful house.  King Solomon, in all his glory, never "ate so good!" (Cheri made three awesome pies to close the evening.)  Madeline is a gracious and accomplished person, ironically an oncologist, and it was a pleasure to meet her.  We enjoyed several fun outings with Chris and Madeline while we were in Denver.

Speaking of road closures and detours in life, in the summer of 2018 Jessica's husband of 8 years decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  This had the potential to be a crushingly lonely road for Jessica.  However,  since she couldn't change the way things were, she has changed her attitude beautifully.  She has a good teaching job in Idaho with great co-workers, good friends in Idaho, a nice house in Idaho, and supportive family and friends scattered around the country.  And a cute little dog named Rico.  While it is not the path she planned, the detour will take her many beautiful places she never expected to go, and would not have gone had the road not been unexpectedly closed.

Our journey home to California from Denver put us onto U.S. Route 50, a road Time Magazine described as "The Backbone of America."  We were on the stretch of U.S.Route 50 running through Nevada, which is known as "The Loneliest Road In America."  We stayed on Route 50 all the way to Carson City, Nevada, and then to Lake Tahoe.  And, in places, like some unexpected and unwanted moments of our lives, it is a lonely road; but my goodness, it is beautiful.

https://unusualplaces.org/u-s-route-50-americas-loneliest-road/

https://www.newsweek.com/2015/06/26/route-50-rode-nowhere-343735.html

Immigrant Valley

No Greater Purpose, No Greater Evidence of God

Recently I posted this picture on FaceBook with the assertion that "Our nation's family separation policy was, and continues to be a moral failure."  To be clear, I am referring to the recent immigration enforcement policy of the United States to forcibly separate children from their parents when they illegally cross the Southern border of the U.S.  Several of my friends have pushed back on my assertion, and I feel the need to explain my feelings further.

First, let me briefly discuss my credentials, and what this is not about.  I am a conservative independent.  I voted for Reagan and the Bush boys.  I am not a Snowflake, but I am a Christian.  I did not vote for Trump, but this is not about Trump.  I am not against immigration laws, nor the fair enforcement of immigration laws.  However, I am also not against immigrants, and I support the fair, just and humane treatment of all people, including immigrants -- and even illegal immigrants.

One point of pushback is that the people who are being forcibly separated from their children are "breaking the law."  We are talking here, generally, about people crossing the borders of countries.  We are not talking about, for example, killing another person, stealing large amounts of money at gun point, or some other heinous crime warranting long imprisonment.  This "crime" of which we speak is more like a misdemeanor crime.  Yes, it is "breaking the law" to drive over the speed limit.  Yes, it is "breaking the law" to fish without a fishing license.  Yes, it is "breaking the law" to buy or use certain "banned" things.  And yes, it is "breaking the law" to cross the U.S. border without permission and at a place which is not a designated point of entry.

I grew up in Reedley, California. Reedley is in the heart of the San Joaquin Valley.  I once started to write a book titled "Immigrant Valley" loosely fashioned on my early memories. Growing up in Reedley, I got to know many German/Russian Mennonites, farmers mostly, who crossed many borders of other countries, sometimes legally and sometimes illegally, to flee persecution and seek a better life in the United States.  Most of them were successful, well off, and well regarded.  Their stories of illegally crossing borders, sometimes at peril of death, were regarded mostly as stuff of folklore; their feats and bravery were admired and celebrated.  I knew their children, too -- went to school with them.  They were my friends.  Their families were fine, upstanding Christian families, central to our community.  Nobody I knew ever argued that it would have been morally right or justifiable to forcibly separate those families because they "broke the law" in crossing borders.

My late friend, Nick Friesen, was a 14 year old boy, living with his family in Russia when the Russian Revolution broke out.  His family chose to flee Russian persecution by driving a horse and sled at night over a frozen river on the Southern border of Russia into China.  They faced death by shooting for trying to leave Russia, and entered China illegally.  From China, they applied for and were granted legal entry into the U.S.  At Ellis Island, each adult had to show that they had a certain amount of money to support themselves (I don't remember the amount).  Between all of them, they only had enough money for one person to pass, so one would show the money and then pass it back.  They all got through the Ellis Island check point on one stack of bills.  I admired them for their lawlessness and chutzpah.

I got to know many other "lawbreaking" immigrants while growing up in Reedley.  Most of them were Mexican, and most of them worked on the farms of the "lawbreaking" immigrants from Germany and Russia.  They were my friends, too.  Many of them, and their children, are now also successfully integrated into "our" United States life.  Like the German and Russian farmers, many Mexican immigrants are farmers and their children are professionals in all walks of life.  Most of us fear God, pay our taxes, obey most of the laws we are subjected to, and contribute to our mutual well being.  Most of us try to treat others as we would want to be treated, because, well that is what we believe God has told us to do.

All of this is not to say I don't think we should have immigration laws.  We should, and we do.  And what is the point of having a law if you don't enforce it?  I am not against the fair enforcement of laws, although there are many laws and penalties in the U.S. and California I don't agree with.  What I am against is mistreating people, and in particular, mistreating children, for the sole sake of intimidating them, and others like them, from attempting to cross our borders.

Before the Civil War, it was "illegal" in the United States for certain black "people" -- chattle, really -- just slaves -- to leave their master-owner.  Those who did were whipped, tortured, and killed, to discourage them and to set an example and intimidate others against "breaking the law."  Slave children were separated from their parents and sold.  This conduct on our part, I believe, was cruel and wrong and a moral failure within our great Nation.  One of many.

In the same way, I believe forcibly separating immigrant children from their immigrant parents is cruel and wrong and immoral when it is not a necessary thing for us to do to enforce our immigration laws.  Most people who are apprehended after crossing our borders illegally are deported.  Okay.  Sometimes due to the time it takes for legal processes there is a need to "detain," i.e. imprison them.  Okay.  Heretofore we have had a policy of  detaining families together, and generally when they have been deported, they have been deported together.  

I get it that some of us are angry and upset about illegal immigration, disgusted with Congress for not doing anything, and worried about the future of our Country and our communities. However, our recent policy of family separation at the border is designed solely to punish and intimidate those who would attempt to cross our borders illegally.  In many cases, no thought or concern has been given to if, how, and whether a reunification of the children with their parents could occur.  I can only imagine the anguish of both the parents and the children who have suffered these forced separations.  I simply cannot accept that crossing a border illegally is the kind of "breaking the law" we would use to justify this kind of mistreatment of real people,